The Internet is Dark and Full of Terrors

I feel as if the people who email me don’t know me AT ALL. First with Twylah, then OKCupid. Now, the offender of the day: GROUPON. While you’re usually spot on at anticipating my innermost desires, Groupon, you failed miserably with this one:

saywhat

Me and these wedding deals are meant to be? THANKS GROUPON.

What have I done/ looked at/ clicked on to make Groupon even consider me as someone about to get hitched? What have I done to deserve this? I don’t pin wedding crap on Pinterest, I don’t read bridal blogs or planning forums, I avoid engagement photo shoot galleries like the plague– at this point, I am quite possibly the Anti-Bride. I am definitely someone who would make fun of the gal who bought this crap:

Apologies to any of my friends who may have purchased these items. I love you, but I may respect you less based on your decision to buy these things.

“Keep Calm & MARRY On?” I’m pretty sure the British government would have a strongly worded opinion for the poor pillock who created that one. And “Under New Management”?! What woman in her right mind would tell herself, “Not only do I need a man, but a manAGER?” Ain’t nobody got time for that– this chick’s only got time to do what she wants!

At least they got something right, though. At the bottom of the email was a call-to-action for this:

grouponwin

Thanks again, Groupon. You da best.