Surveying the Land

As Inang’s arthritis continues to worsen, daily exercise becomes more and more of a struggle. One of her favorite opportunities to break a little sweat is gathering vegetables in my parents’ lush garden.

Like the mountainwomen of old

Don’t mind the mess – parentals are currently renovating their kitchen

Ballet

Inang: Did you exercise tonight?
Me: No, I went to see a ballet.
Inang: Well, that’s like an exercise.
Me: I watched it, I didn’t actually do it.
Inang: Well, even so!

She’s Either Been in Texas Too Long, or Really, Really Desperate

Inang: What are you going to ask your mom to bring back for you from the Philippines?
Me: Oh, I don’t know. Shoes, maybe. Things for the house.
Inang: You should ask her to bring you home a husband.
Me: What! No! I’m not attracted to Philippine-born Filipinos. Sorry.
Inang: (ignores comment)
Maybe she could find one of her relatives.
Me: What? One of her relatives.
Inang: Yes, one of her relatives to come home and be your husband.
Me: (flabbergasted)
But if they’re her relative, they’re also my relative! You can’t marry your relative. You shouldn’t suggest that.
Inang: Why not? I married my relative.

This is My Doula

I am not pregnant. I don’t plan on getting pregnant for a very, very long time.

That being said, I talk (in a very irreverent way) about what it’d be like when I’m pregnant someday. Today’s topic of conversation: doulas. What is a doula, you ask?

Doula

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

doula (pronounced “doó la”,[1] also known as a labour coach[2] and originating from the Ancient Greek word δούλη meaning female servant or slave[3]) is a nonmedical person who assists a woman before, during, or after childbirth, as well as her partner and/or family by providing information, physical assistance, and emotional support.[1] The provision of continuous support during labour by doulas (as well as nurses, family, or friends) is associated with improved maternal and fetal health and a variety of other benefits.[1][4]

So basically, your bitch when you’re about to pop your kid out. Which is what The Bestie says she wants to be. I, on the other hand, want a doula around for one very specific reason:

The Bestie: Omg i hear my patient moaning with her doula
The Bestie: Thankfully we’re getting an epidural soon
The Fattie: when i interview doula’s one of my requirements is that i get to call them “oblongata”
The Fattie: so when people meet her i can be all
The Fattie: “this is my doula, oblongata”

Designer Dress Rental Discrimination

A few months ago, my friends at work told me about this website called New for the Night, where you can rent fabulous dresses for fabulous events at equally fabulous prices (for example: you can rent a $500 Rebecca Minkoff LBD for $80). You get the dress for three days, people are like, “OMG you look so great in that designer dress,” and then they never see you wear it again because presumably you’re a big baller who’s got it like that. Win/win situation, right?

That’s what I thought at first.

A few days after my friends told me about it, LivingSocial was hosting a $50 for $125 towards a dress rental deal, which I immediately snatched up because I thought it was a sign from above. With four weddings lined up for the last quarter of 2012, I was definitely going to be under the microscope and had to look amazing.

Like all LivingSocial/Groupon/Google Offer deals, I quickly forgot that I had purchased it altogether– that is, until I received a notification that my New for the Night deal was expiring today. “No worries,” I thought to myself. “With Tracy’s wedding at the end of the month and the church’s annual banquet at the beginning of December, it’s not going to be hard to figure out what event to use this for.”

WRONG.

One thing I always forget about high fashion designer clothing is– all the fancy designers don’t make clothing for fat people. This is the truth. Have you ever seen someone with more to love sauntering down the runway? Do you see curvy girls in those sexy clothing ads? No. Because every single girl in every single ad is stick-thin with her mouth hanging wide open, kind of like she’s on an antihistamine because her nose is stuffy, or maybe because she’s so hungry. Who knows.

What I DO know is that once I clicked on the “All Apparel” tab and refined my search to display dresses in my size, only nine results showed up… and SIX of them were MATERNITY DRESSES.

I refreshed my browser and cleared my cache several times, I couldn’t believe it.

MATERNITY DRESSES as 2/3 of my options! Unfreakingbelievable. It’s like I was being told, “Mainstream fashion doesn’t recognize someone your size… and if you are indeed this size, then surely you are pregnant. Surely you are actually two people enclosed in one body, because by our standards no one person can be as large as you.”

I did choose one of the three non-maternity dresses, but freaking A did I do so with remorse, shaking my head incredulously the entire time. And if you think about it, it’s not New for the Night’s fault that designers don’t like making high-end evening wear for fat people. It really isn’t. Despite the initial shock and what’s sure to be months of trauma, I’m super excited about my upcoming rental from them and glad that I did find something that will hopefully look just as good on me as it does the 6’0" blonde chick on the website who I’m sure hasn’t had a carb since Y2K. I’ll be sure to follow up with an update after the Christmas banquet and let y’all decide.

But do all you other curvy gals feel me when I say, “Where’s the effing dress rental site for us?”

Not Cool Enough To Find Sugar Daddies

The Bestie: Hey we need to find sugar daddies
The Bestie: Thats what i always think when i come to the galleria
The Fattie: heck yeah
The Fattie: where do we find those
The Bestie: Ur the cool girl
The Fattie: i’m definitely not that cool
The Bestie: Yea ur right
The Bestie: Hahahaha

Later that day:

The Fattie: a sharp pain that just ran through my back reminded me i hadn’t taken painkillers all day
The Fattie: am i addicted?
The Bestie: Yes
The Bestie: Stop takkng them
The Fattie: i like them a lot though. what do i do
The Bestie: Go to rehab
The Fattie: you think maybe i could find our sugar daddies in rehab?
The Bestie: For sure
The Bestie: But u have to go to the nice fancy ones