Union Station, Los Angeles, CA

PACIFIC SURFLINER | SERVICE TO SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA

“Can I just say something?” the veteran at Union Station says to me, taking the seat directly in front of me and pushing his suitcase aside and out of our line of sight.

“Um, sure,” I reply, keeping my eyes loosely fixed to the screen of my laptop.

“You just have the most gorgeous feet.”



Now Playing: “Morning Train (Nine to Five)” by Sheena Easton


What the fuck, and what a liar, I say with my head. I’ve been complimented about my hair, my smile, and my brain, but never ever my feet (which, if discussed, are done with spurn and scorn, never praise).

“Thank you,” I say this time with my mouth, looking around me. Our seat mates don’t appear to be phased. Perhaps this is a common occurrence here.

“Yeah, real gorgeous,” he mutters to himself, giving them one last look-see. He quickly averts his gaze, smiling. “You can tell a lot about a woman by her feet. Some women have feet that make you want to cut things off of them, like things a whole foot long.”

He is the only one that thinks his pun is punny and laughs to himself, by himself.

“I can tell you’re a smart cookie. Do you know them computers, the Apple ones? If I were to go buy one at a pawn shop, you know, for $100, would it be harder for me to learn an Apple than a normal computer?”

I struggle with the millions of ways I can answer this question, avoiding what I’m sure would have been a lengthy discourse about operating systems, software updates, and how any computer you’d pay $100 for will be “hard” to learn on regardless.

“Yes, it might.”

He chuckles to himself, almost in congratulations. “Thass what I thought, just what I thought.” He opens up a clear water bottle, and after taking a long sip, offers it to me and says, “swig of Scotch?”

Our seat mates still don’t appear to be phased. Perhaps this is a common occurrence as well.

“No, thank you,” I politely decline.

He asks me to reconsider. “I ain’t sellin’ – I’m offerin’. Just for the record. You can always use a little whisky, no matter where you’re going. And where was that again? And what was your name again?”

I haven’t told you either.

“You know what, though? The great thing about the West Coast is that people aren’t just always ‘going,’ they’re ‘fro-ing’ – and you’re always headed to places you’ve already been to.”

The 9:55 AM Pacific Surfliner to San Diego can’t come soon enough.

“Listen, if you ever pass this way— you know, back into Los Angeles— would you like to have a drink sometime with me? I’ll buy it this time. Not bring it with me.”

My silent protestations become vocal as I gather my belongings and start to head towards my gate.

“Well, you be safe, pretty lady with the pretty feet. God bless, and I’ll see you again.” He takes another swig of Scotch from his water bottle and smiles, winking just a tad.

“That is, if I’m meant to.”

Ma’am, Put Down The Phone

When you know you shouldn’t have responded, yet you totally did and in doing so, forfeited any shred of power, self respect or perceived idea of an upper hand that existed in your silly little head.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was an app that stopped you from doing that?

Oh wait, there is.

Blocking people.

Advice to My Younger Self: Online Dating Edition

Dear Poor, Silly Girl,

You don’t know me, but ohhh honey, do I know you. I know you so well. So, so well.

I am writing regarding a matter of utmost importance. I’d like you to please consider the below items prior to logging onto whatever app or website you are secretly logging into in hopes of finding someone special.

Spoiler alert: today, you’re 29 and you haven’t found a special someone.

But regardless, you’re gonna do you, boo boo, so please ponder on these before continuing to slide down that slippery slope you call a dating life:

  • If a guy consistently displays more effeminate qualities than you, run. Like fucking sprint. Don’t skip or frolic gaily in the fields because that’s probably what he’s going to be doing, and remember you have the ability to overpower him.
  •  If he starts with the nicknames or pet names early on, he’s using them on at least three other bitches at the same time he’s using them on you. The only nickname you need to call him at that point is FELICIA, coupled best with “BYE”
  • You don’t even like buck teeth. You don’t like buck teeth, you don’t like corduroy jackets in Houston’s August heat, and you don’t like flip flops at a nice restaurant.
  •  You are educated and intelligent. A minimum of a high school diploma or GED is required.
  •  Maybe it’s not a good idea if he grabs your ass in public. Definitely not if he tries to go full frontal.
  •  Be wary if he plans for a three hour date on the first date and you’ve never met him before. All it takes is ten minutes to know whether or not this dude is someone you’d want to spend time with. Don’t lock yourself into something with someone you could potentially detest. See also: Alcatraz.
  •  If he tries to give you weight loss tips after the first couple weeks…

When it doesn’t work out – because it won’t work out with MANY:

  •  Move on quickly.
  •  Don’t take things personally.
  •  Never listen to clichés.
  • Try not to make him a villain, even if he totally is one. He’s just someone you need to forget.
  • Don’t fall into the trap of rationalizing or fitting him into a mold when he clearly doesn’t fit. No one benefits in that situation.
    Just move on.

It’s simple.

Did it work out? Oh, no? Okay. On to the next one.

You’ve got this. I believe in you. I have to believe in you because believing in you means believing in myself too, and if neither of us have got our back then we are one hot mess and we definitely have bigger problems to work through.

And since knowing you is knowing me, you will probably ignore me, err you, err yourself, err us and do whatever the hell you want to do, because that is something that makes you crazily difficult and so irrevocably you.

You will make mistakes, you will fall flat on your face, you will appear weak, and at times you absolutely will be – not just appear to be. Just take a deep breath, learn from it, suck it up and move forward.

Mama didn’t raise no quitter, and she won’t have you embarrassing either of us.

So the moral of the story is,

Like everyone thing else in life, if all else fails,

Do it for Mom.

I’m Sad You’re Single

Grandma’s “I’m sad you are single” face during one of my many futile attempts to distract her from the fact. At what point is it acceptable to make up a boyfriend so she stops worrying?

I used to roll my eyes when she would talk about how I was getting older and needed to get married, how I was running out of time and needed to hurry. I recently came to realize that it is the fear that she is getting older and running out of time that compels her to constantly bring it up. I don’t complain about the nagging anymore, because it’s something I’ve come to fear as well.

We tried to call Joanna to cheer her up. That bitty didn’t pick up a single phone call. 

Steal My Heart Away

Inang: Did you alarm the house?
Me: No, I didn’t want to.
Inang: Why not?
Me: I want a robber to come.
Inang: A what?
Me: A robber.
Inang: Your lover?

(awkward pause)

HAHAHA just kidding. You never have one.

The Internet is Dark and Full of Terrors

I feel as if the people who email me don’t know me AT ALL. First with Twylah, then OKCupid. Now, the offender of the day: GROUPON. While you’re usually spot on at anticipating my innermost desires, Groupon, you failed miserably with this one:

saywhat

Me and these wedding deals are meant to be? THANKS GROUPON.

What have I done/ looked at/ clicked on to make Groupon even consider me as someone about to get hitched? What have I done to deserve this? I don’t pin wedding crap on Pinterest, I don’t read bridal blogs or planning forums, I avoid engagement photo shoot galleries like the plague– at this point, I am quite possibly the Anti-Bride. I am definitely someone who would make fun of the gal who bought this crap:

Apologies to any of my friends who may have purchased these items. I love you, but I may respect you less based on your decision to buy these things.

“Keep Calm & MARRY On?” I’m pretty sure the British government would have a strongly worded opinion for the poor pillock who created that one. And “Under New Management”?! What woman in her right mind would tell herself, “Not only do I need a man, but a manAGER?” Ain’t nobody got time for that– this chick’s only got time to do what she wants!

At least they got something right, though. At the bottom of the email was a call-to-action for this:

grouponwin

Thanks again, Groupon. You da best.

Dia del Carino (a.k.a. Why Kelly Kim Needs To Watch It)

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Catching up on emails in my personal account (I’ve made sure to keep up with work emails, thankyouverymuch) and saw this in my Gmail.

My eyes were *thisclose* to popping out of their sockets when I saw the subject line. Thoughts raced in my head, all along the lines of “who the eff has the audacity to tell me I can get engaged on Valentines Day?!”

Once I got the gist that all poor Kelly Kim wanted to tell me was that I could digitally “engage” (way to kill a buzz word in a whole new way, Kelly), I no longer wanted to curse her on behalf of the Lonely Hearts Club. But if there was ever a reason for better subscriber demographics- especially on user marital status and how they feel about said status- this is the one.

And Kelly, if you must know: I had a wonderful time “engaging” in the Guatemalan celebration of Dia del Carino, or Day of Caring, this February 14th. This year, I chose to fulfill two objectives:

1. Celebrate all of the meaningful relationships in my life, all those who have impacted my life positively without judgment, bias or condition. I thank God for each and every one of you.

2. Learn to find contentment in my single status, knowing Happiness is a choice. Life is a celebration, and there are amazing sights to see, wonderful people to meet, breathtaking experiences to be had and blissful joys to encounter… por mí mismo.

And that, my friends, is what I have decided makes it fun 😉

Buenas noches de Guatemala!

A Valentine From My Best Friend

Was waiting for my flight to Guatemala City to board and I hit an emotional low point. Not proud of it but an airport terminal can be one of the loneliest places imaginable on Valentines Day.

Then, I got the sweetest “cheer me up” from my bestie.

God bless her.

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