Advice to My Younger Self: Online Dating Edition

Dear Poor, Silly Girl,

You don’t know me, but ohhh honey, do I know you. I know you so well. So, so well.

I am writing regarding a matter of utmost importance. I’d like you to please consider the below items prior to logging onto whatever app or website you are secretly logging into in hopes of finding someone special.

Spoiler alert: today, you’re 29 and you haven’t found a special someone.

But regardless, you’re gonna do you, boo boo, so please ponder on these before continuing to slide down that slippery slope you call a dating life:

  • If a guy consistently displays more effeminate qualities than you, run. Like fucking sprint. Don’t skip or frolic gaily in the fields because that’s probably what he’s going to be doing, and remember you have the ability to overpower him.
  •  If he starts with the nicknames or pet names early on, he’s using them on at least three other bitches at the same time he’s using them on you. The only nickname you need to call him at that point is FELICIA, coupled best with “BYE”
  • You don’t even like buck teeth. You don’t like buck teeth, you don’t like corduroy jackets in Houston’s August heat, and you don’t like flip flops at a nice restaurant.
  •  You are educated and intelligent. A minimum of a high school diploma or GED is required.
  •  Maybe it’s not a good idea if he grabs your ass in public. Definitely not if he tries to go full frontal.
  •  Be wary if he plans for a three hour date on the first date and you’ve never met him before. All it takes is ten minutes to know whether or not this dude is someone you’d want to spend time with. Don’t lock yourself into something with someone you could potentially detest. See also: Alcatraz.
  •  If he tries to give you weight loss tips after the first couple weeks…

When it doesn’t work out – because it won’t work out with MANY:

  •  Move on quickly.
  •  Don’t take things personally.
  •  Never listen to clichés.
  • Try not to make him a villain, even if he totally is one. He’s just someone you need to forget.
  • Don’t fall into the trap of rationalizing or fitting him into a mold when he clearly doesn’t fit. No one benefits in that situation.
    Just move on.

It’s simple.

Did it work out? Oh, no? Okay. On to the next one.

You’ve got this. I believe in you. I have to believe in you because believing in you means believing in myself too, and if neither of us have got our back then we are one hot mess and we definitely have bigger problems to work through.

And since knowing you is knowing me, you will probably ignore me, err you, err yourself, err us and do whatever the hell you want to do, because that is something that makes you crazily difficult and so irrevocably you.

You will make mistakes, you will fall flat on your face, you will appear weak, and at times you absolutely will be – not just appear to be. Just take a deep breath, learn from it, suck it up and move forward.

Mama didn’t raise no quitter, and she won’t have you embarrassing either of us.

So the moral of the story is,

Like everyone thing else in life, if all else fails,

Do it for Mom.